


Soy Milk No Sugar

by alwayswhenleastexpected



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Coffee Shop, Gen, This is really dumb, not quite coffee shop trope, peter just wants coffee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2018-01-03 02:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwayswhenleastexpected/pseuds/alwayswhenleastexpected
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spider-man and Deadpool are on a coffee date.</p><p>Actually, Deadpool bought Spidey coffee and now is convinced they are on a date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soy Milk No Sugar

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is. Just some friendly banter and "Deadpool you are crazy"-ness.

After a cumbersome evening of having Hydro-man chase him through what felt like half of the entire city of New York, Peter Parker found himself in an unfamiliar part of Brooklyn, tired, cold, and too far from home.

 

The bottom half of his suit was completely soaked from his fight with Hydro-man, and the November chill was seeping into the more sensitive parts of his anatomy. Peter figured he’d turn into a Spider-popsicle before he actually made it back home, so he decided to take temporary refuge in a nearby coffee shop, trying not to think about how awkward he looked in his wet costume.

 

The shabby store was mostly empty, save for a couple of teenagers staring sleepily at their textbooks in a booth by the window and the pimply barista behind the counter.

 

The barista stared at Peter, who wrapped his arms around himself to suppress his shivering as he approached the counter.

 

“Um, hey. You think I could get a coffee? Soy milk. No sugar.”

 

He watched the acne-ridden teenager punched in his order. “Three-sixteen,” the boy squeaked.

 

Peter froze when his hand automatically reached for a wallet that wasn’t there.

 

 _I hate you, Hydro-man_ , he yelled inside his head.

 

He cleared his throat, laughing nervously. “So, listen—I spent all night fighting this crazy guy who’s body is sometimes made of water—he calls himself Hydro-man, maybe you’ve heard of him?—anyway, he was trying to rob this bank but I managed him to lure him like thirty blocks away and trap him in a walk-in freezer… and funny thing, I forgot to bring my wallet. So you think you could, you know…”

 

The barista simply raised his eyebrows, popping his gum. His mouth opened to speak but was interrupted by the door bursting open with an unceremonious bang. The students who had fallen asleep on their books sat up, wild-eyed. A beat of silence, and then—

 

“Holy Taco Shells, it’s freaking Spider-man!”

 

Peter’s spider-sense went off like a gun, and he turned, groaning inwardly at the sight of a familiar red and black mask, too uncomfortably similar to his own.

 

“Long time no see, baby boy! Hey, I’m really digging the reboot look, it makes your—whoa, why’s your suit all wet?”

 

Peter shook head violently. He didn’t have the energy to deal with Deadpool right now. His best choices were to quit this shop and hope he could find one with a sympathetic server, or to swing home and pray his fingers didn’t fall off before he got there.

 

Before he could make his decision, however, a heavy arm fell on his shoulder and he was being pulled against a hard body, the contents of a pouch digging into his hip.

 

“Earl, my man! The usual, with two shots of espresso. And, uh—wait, no, let me guess. You’re an Americano kind of guy, I bet. Or a Cappuccino guy. Or—”

 

Peter really did not want Deadpool of all people buying him coffee. “I don’t—I don’t want anything, thanks.”

 

The barista was poorly hiding a smirk at Peter’s discomfort. “I already got yours. Coffee with soy milk, right?”

 

Deadpool made a strange kind of noise, somewhere between amusement and disgust. “ _Soy milk_. What a hipster you are, Spidey,” he rumbled as passed a ten to the barista.

 

Peter writhed his way out of Deadpool’s grasp, hating himself a little once he realized he missed the warmth the other man’s body had provided for his shivering frame. He stood there awkwardly, with Deadpool gazing at him while Earl the barista made their coffee.

 

“Thanks,” he huffed in Deadpool’s general direction once Earl had handed him his coffee.

 

The merc grinned widely through his mask. “Consider it my good deed of the night. Providing coffee for the friendly neighborhood Spider-man so he doesn’t freeze his little tushy off fighting his C-list loser villains.”

 

Peter grit his teeth as he scooted into a booth, legs curling under him. He gripped his coffee gratefully, the warmth sending sensation back to his numb hands.

 

He didn’t even complain when Deadpool slid into the seat across from him with his monstrosity of a coffee beverage. Although it was hard to tell, they seemed to be watching each other warily; Deadpool watching Peter simply because the younger hero seemed to be incredibly interesting for whatever reason, and Peter watching Deadpool because he was a little worried that Deadpool would spontaneously decide to spring out of his seat and the shoot everyone in the shop.

 

“So,” the masked mercenary in question drawled. “Come here often?”

 

Peter rolled his eyes, glancing around the shop before very carefully pulling up the bottom of his mask and taking a gulp of coffee that burned its way down his throat.

 

“I had to lock Hydro-man in a walk-in freezer a couple of blocks from here,” Peter told Deadpool. “I’ve never even been in this neighborhood before.”

 

Deadpool snorted. “Ah, good old Hydro-man. Hey, now that he’s frozen, you think you’d be able to serve him as shaved ice?”

 

Peter almost choked on his coffee. “That is disgusting.”

 

“It’s creative,” the other man retorted, leaning in towards Peter slightly. “Dude, how old are you? It doesn’t even look like you’ve started growing facial hair yet. Oh god, please don’t tell me I’m on a coffee date with a minor. My first real date in who-knows-how-long, and it’s with a fucking kid. You know, you can’t just _lure_ poor vulnerable men like me, Spidey, with your tight little—”

 

Peter was sputtering indignantly, one hand self-consciously covering his jaw. “Okay, first off, we are NOT on a date, we’re just… two guys having coffee. And second, it’s none of your business how old I am. Some people just don’t grow a lot of facial hair,” he added a little defensively.

 

Deadpool hummed. “You know, you’re being awfully rude for a date. I even paid for your coffee and everything.”

 

“We are not on a date!”

 

Right after the words came out of his mouth, he heard the mechanical click of an iphone camera going off. His heart sank as he imagined the headline underneath the photo that would surely make its way into the Daily Bugle: _The Masked Vigilante and Wanted Mercenary, Canoodling in a Discreet Brooklyn Coffee Shop_.

 

“This is not happening to me,” Peter muttered. He slumped forward on the table after Deadpool had waved cheerily at the girl taking the picture. For a few moments there was blissful silence. When he looked up, Deadpool had his mask rolled up as well, obnoxiously slurping at his coffee. Peter stared for a moment at the raw skin covering his face, before tearing his eyes away to finish off his own drink in three hasty gulps.

 

“Okay, well…” he idly crumpled the paper cup in his hand.

 

Deadpool looked up as Peter stood. “Leaving so soon, Spidey? We haven’t even had our heart-to-heart yet! I was supposed to complain about how there aren’t any good shows on TV anymore and how lonely and empty my life is. You were supposed to tell me about how taxing being Spider-man is on your love life and then admit your hidden feelings for me.” He rolled his mask back over his scarred skin. “Then we were gonna go back to your Spider-Cave and make out and watch _Everybody Loves Raymond_ re-runs.”

 

Peter replaced his mask as well, clearing his throat pointedly. “Yeah, none of that is happening.” He paused. “But uh, thanks for the coffee. I really appreciated it.” He hoped that had sounded genuine.

 

Sparing a glance for the Earl and the kids in the other booth, Peter made his way out of the shop. With coffee in his belly and his suit a little dryer than before, the chill in the air seemed much less cruel, and he swung out of sight, praying he’d make it home without incident.

 

Back inside the coffee shop, Deadpool stood up as well. “This was the dumbest use of the coffee shop trope ever.”


End file.
